i’m out of town right now … in fact, i wrote this yesterday … your yesterday is my today … and i’m out somewhere seeing where the road takes me. whatever i did when i got where i went is not the point. the journey was the point. therefore … i aint even leave and i’m already glad i took the trip.
version 11-26-08
version 11-27-08
yes, as his last (only?) SANE act as president, gw bush pardoned the mess out of john forte, a handful of others, & a black man who cheated on his food stamps (i’ma research that one further). why is this blogworthy??? cuz i have been PRAYING for the world to FREE JOHN FORTE!
i fell in love with his second album in the midst of the depression i was going through about 6-7 years ago … i was on one of those meandering trips through tower records by myself on a visit to the village in nyc … playing whole albums and spending ours combing through records … and john was singing!
for those of you who even know who he is you may remember him as a tag-along to the fugees and his brief rap career … less people know about his singing … at that time i had also JUST read an article about john’s arrest and that this was the last album recorded before he got locked up. i dunno … i just FELT him … he was a black boy who went to a private school … exeter … and i know what that’s like (not the boy part) … and he got caught up with carly simon’s kids … she puts him on to the music industry … and bam next thing you know he’s stepping off a plane with kilos of liquid cocaine or something-like-that… and then about to be locked up in the prime of his life?! the story was wild! it was very fishy … there were two females involved who didn’t get arrested and shit like that … i always though john was set up. either directly … or indirectly. when i heard the album i felt his pain, anguish, regret, resignation, rawness, and spirit. and lastly … come on, look at how FINE he was … sigh. i’ma post a song from his album one day when i get the techno right.
cuz … when a man who is about to go to jail … starts singing about “who am i?” … “what am i?” … and “don’t take for granted …” … and “see you at the reunion” … i get choked up.
happy thanksgiving john! and the rest of you lovely human beings.
{and then i have to ask myself: is this the reason gw bush was president?}
ok … so a friend of mine … let’s call him CROCK … cuz there are undertones of chris rock, hints of crack, & a whole crock of shit in that name which suits my friend just fine. (i am sure he will be a recurring character cuz he always got crazy stories for me). ok so crock tells me that he recently traveled to midwest of bumblefuck, america to go support a friend who is an aspiring comedian. he is black, his comedian homegirl is black etc etc. but crock went to the comedy show with a white friend (WF). THIS IS A TRUE STORY. basically crock has a run-in with some white girls (who happen to be lesbians) and they get to talking about race. ok so the reason he is crock is cuz one of the white girls says to him “you look just like chris rock!” … the irony being that if you SAW this mug … i just honestly don’t know how ANYone would say he looks like chris rock but apparently white people say this to him all the time….
then the conversation devolved into this:
crock: you really think i look like him?
white girl A: well, you know they say all you niggers look alike
(crock drops his beer; the WF [white friend] chokes on his chicken wings)
crock: you know you can’t say that to me right?
white girl A: oh, i’m not a racist. i worked on obama’s campaign, i was a delegate, i was in denver!
white girl B: and her best friend is black. and not one of those crazy black bitches.
(chris rock and WF choke on their drinks again as the aspiring comedian approaches table)
white girl A: i didn’t know black women could be comedians!
white girl B: you do know why white people go to Irish bars? so that they can just be around only white people.
white girl A: i mean we have a black president-elect … we need somewhere to go!
in the true verson of the story crock and his WF did not hurt those white girls or curse them out … they just shook their heads and eventually left. i say all this to say … obama or not … racism worked on his fucking campaign!!! LOL
the video don’t work cuz jazmine won’t let nobody embed the video … you can click here to go directly to youtube and watch it …
i don’t know if this is the full version cuz on the radio it’s a duet and the dude comes on singing in the 2nd half … that’s my favorite version. cuz really i don’t condone busting ya man’s windows or any kind of revenge/vengeance but that’s why it’s a fantasy of mine … cuz it’s like she says … she wants him to hurt the way he hurt her … and we all know that’s POLLUTION and i try not to pollute. it’s whats so wrong with the world: when people hurt they want others to hurt. but that’s also why i love this song. she is making fun of herself a little bit. and she is being super honest. she says, “you’ll probably say that i’m juvenile … but it did make me smile” and “it didn’t mend my broken heart” … but she got some kind of devilish joy out of it … sigh … it’s just one of those things … you might not do it … but you’ve wanted to! and it’s also one of those things … it WILL NOT TRULY mend your broken heart. as jazmine says, “why am i the one still crying?” but what better place to revel in these kinds of trifling actions but in a song … and in a video. in the duet the dude explains that it wasn’t him and now the girl feels silly … it’s too funny! fyi i didn’t like jazmine sullivan’s first single but i always said she can blow!
my daughter loves the smell of my funky armpits … and she loves her own funk. she asked me if we could spend the day in our jammmies not leaving the house to go outside … it was so cute. she was like i don’t want to wash up and go anywhere and i want to lay around all day. so we named it lazy bum sunday … and it’s gonna become a ritual … i did brush my teeth, thank you very much, but she chose not to. she rubs her nose in my underarms … sans deodorant. i love the way she loves me and all my dirty.
[i did put her butt in the shower that night etc etc ]
november 21, 2008 version
when i was recently going thru it a friend said, “do your art. it’s one thing you can control.” this is all very true. and when your world is out of control we should look to the things we can impact … is that why painting brings me peace? not entirely.
painting brings me peace because i was born to do it. i love to do it. i can control stuff when i cook but i HATE cooking. i can control stuff when i read or give myself a facial but … when i’m painting it’s deeper than control and deeper than a hobby … something clicks inside me. and ideas and gestures and all kinds of shit come to me and i know what to do … i just know. it feels so natural and right … and it’s as if the universe pauses … the birds stop singing … i am in another dimension … time stands still …
they always say … do the thing that you would do for free … do the thing that makes the minutes disappear. yes, sure, ok we’ve heard this and we know it’s true. but many of us just don’t do it.
for me … i wasn’t doing my art cuz of many rationalizations i put myself thru: i won’t make any money … i’m not as good as so and so. it took me 30 years to overcome that kind of thinking.
it was only when i stepped out on faith that i discovered we are SUPPOSED to do what we love DESPITE the physical realities of the earth, IN SPITE of challenges and difficulties because when you follow REAL LOVE … a way opens up. but you will never know i’m speaking truth … till you do it.
and despite how hard my life still is … it’s all worth it cuz i get to do what i love. i don’t know HOW i’ma make it into a painter who earns millions but i believe i will … sometimes i don’t know how i’ma pay the bills … but guess what … I ALWAYS DO. cuz God looks out for me and he WANTS to bless me cuz he WANTS me to KEEP DOING WHAT I LOVE. is this really true? HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA it doesn’t matter if it is empirically prove-able cuz it is what i BELIEVE … and again and again God or the universe keeps working EVERYTHING out for me. i keep having my arms and legs so i can work. i keep waking up in the morning. i keep earning likkle moneys here and there. i keep buying clothes for my daughter. i keep taking myself to restaurants. i keep being able to buy cigarettes, deodorant, shampoo, and garbage bags. you see what i’m saying??
i have come to believe that we each possess a love and a natural gift for SOMETHING. some of us don’t know what our special gift is … but i often find that it’s cuz we don’t think outside the box. if your gift is unique and original what makes you think a job title has been created for it? you will know it’s your thing when you LOVE it and when you DO it time stands still. period. you can deny it. you can avoid it. you can talk shit about it. but you will know in your heart what you love to do. it can be playing video games. sure, that means you have to be more creative about how you’re going to make money at it but i believe that you are still supposed to do it cuz God has a plan that none of us can see which will turn your LOVE into a LIFEtime of happiness.
i just imagine a universe where we ALL do what we love … that shit almost makes my brain explode … it’s so the opposite of what we EXPECT from life and so the opposite of what we see everyday … but i have no problems going against the grain, being the exception, participating in revolutionary thinking, and relentlessly pursuing my happiness.
what about you? do you love what you do?
as some of you know i’ve been working on this particular painting since … oh around 2001 … i have resumed working on it and i wanted to share my progress since 2007 … lately i am working on the left leg … freaky that it was almost exactly a year ago to the day that i last painted … ok it’s sad too.
november 18, 2007
november 27, 2007
november 1, 2008
november 19, 2008
november 20, 2008 (today!)
i think that the thigh of the left leg looked better on nov. 19 … i messed some things up and i’ma go back and add some shadow to the outer thigh and i have to fix the shadow on the back of the thigh … to be continued of course. maybe i’ll be on to the right leg before thanksgiving …
i had to take a day of rest yesterday. i am not one of those people who is compelled to work 24/7 just cuz … if i’m tired and i have time to rest then i rest. sure, there’s always work to be done but i aint no workaholic. i have been exhausted …
and i been polluted. i realize that for the past few weeks i have let my spirit get polluted by the pollution of others … the toxic, negative energy of family, co-workers, and friends was slowly sinking into my spiritual pores. and like any pollution it was eating away at my faith, my focus, my positivity, my inner strength … the pollution was letting doubt, fear, desire, small-mindedness trickle into my thoughts, dreams, psyche, bloodstream …
no more. just cuz EVERYbody else worries about money doesn’t mean i will. of course, i will do my best to make money but that’s all i can do. just cuz EVERYbody else worries about when they will get a boyfriend or a husband doesn’t mean i will. of course, i will be gorgeous when i want and i will flirt with who is appropriate but that’s all i can do. just cuz EVERYbody else gets angry when people lie on them, insult them, disrespect them … doesn’t mean i will. of course, for a moment the hurtful actions of others will give me pause but ultimately what I KNOW and BELIEVE is that no one else can hurt me unless i let them. just cuz EVERYbody else worries about job security doesn’t mean i will. i will do my best at my job ……… and that’s truly all i can do.
i think God has been throwing it at me so that i could strengthen my faith … so that he can reveal again … and again … how she can work miracles.
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