love in other places

every time i wash my hands i am thankful.  the hand soap is made by ME.  i didn’t have the dollars to replace the hand soap.  and i hate to use bar soap at the bathroom sink.  i mean we do if we have no choice but … i looked around my bathroom and i realized i had just bought a new shampoo.  i did not use the NEW shampoo.  i grabbed the OLD shampoo that still had a half an inch of gooey liquid on the bottom of the bottle — the dregs that you will never be able to squeeze on to your hair.  the little remnant that always sits at the bottom of the shampoo bottle.  and it hit me — HAND SOAP.   cuz i recalled that when we had even less money than we do this week, i ran out of bar soap and we used shampoo like shower gel for a week and a half.  soap, shampoo, shower gel … they all have the same cleaning agents.  so i mixed some of that old shampoo with water … and i wash my hands in God’s grace.

i like that word — erudite.  could be me … could not.

i’m thankful today that my car started every time i tried to start it.

i’m also thankful for this magically delicious meatball sub i ate.  i call them heros but in georgia it’s a sub.  it’s easy to fuck up a meatball.  in fact, there are more bad meatballs than good ones out there. 

i am thankful for all the people who called me today.  i felt the love.

i am thankful i missed the bet awards.  didn’t even know they were on tv.  i don’t need more reasons to be disgusted with america right now.

i am thankful me and my baby daddy could work as a team today….

i am thankful that i am alive.

today pastor talks about how God is in the quality not the quantity.  it’s not how many days i live but what i do with every day i have.  ok ok i am very fixated on this ‘one day at a time’ business but i can’t help myself. 

i joined my church last sunday … i went to my first new member class today.  and i learned a lot.  i was so surprised by how much i learned! 

i felt like something i knew before i was born was confirmed for me.  kinda deja vu.  i felt i was in the right place at the exact right time.  like God always knew he would lead me into that classroom to discover very important things about myself.

 i learned about certain gifts.  YEAH YEAH we’ve all heard it before right – we are all endowed with god given gifts.  but when seven gifts were spelled out they made sense.  then they were each connected to a passage in the bible.  then they were each attributed to Jesus.  Jesus is one of the few to flawlessly possess all seven.    there are problems associated with each.  for example, people with the gift of compassion experience more hurts because their hearts are so open.  it went on and on … i felt like i was in the midst of multiple revelations.

i realize i have the gift of compassion.  this resonated in me at ten a.m. this morning.  i know i have it.  i have felt it all my life.  and sometimes i have resisted it.  i have fought it.  i have done the opposite.  i have rejected it.  i have tried to reason it away.  today, i embrace it.  cuz i’m good at it and i’m learning how to lick my deepest hurts. 

my point is? i am so thankful for today.  i felt something shift in me today.  i fell in step with who i have always been.  it took a lot for me to join this church.  i like to know i did more than the right thing … maybe i did some of my destiny.

i also have the gifts of perception, exhortation, and teaching. and God is going to use me!  and i am going to LET myself be used!  this is what my spirit shouted to me during new members class.  i have been praying that God use me.  that’s what is so ironic (or God-like) about the whole thing. 

and then pastor keeps on and God talks thru him to me for the millionth time.  but it never ceases to amaze me that things that go on in my brain get addressed in church.   and then pastor explains what ‘delight in the Lord’ really means.  this is one of my favorite phrases from the bible.  sometimes i find it the most challenging.  but i often say it in my head.  and now i discover it means more than the straightforward words.

the latin(?) origins of the word ‘delight’ really mean to soften or to make more feminine.  huh.  soften huh.  be more pliable to what the Lord does in your life, huh?  kinda like how i been tryna be like the water huh.  how does God do that?  God is amazing …

and all this delighting in the Lord came about because pastor was telling us that sometimes ‘our passion does not match our place.’   sometimes we have a passion for baking but we are investment bankers.  so your passion is not with banking and finance it’s in a convection oven.  sometimes you don’t know whether to live or die.  so yes, i have also been experiencing some of that.  i am here.  my passion is elsewhere.  do i stay or do i leave?

that was what pastor titled this sermon.  funny, that’s what i been asking myself.

i think i only smoke nem durn cigarettes these days, to remember why i keep trying to quit. i’m on intervals now. and the frequency between the non-smoking periods is getting shorter and shorter. i end up spending most of my days not smoking … nice. same way i learned to meditate.  speaking of my days you know i’m all about one day at a time right now. let’s leave the rest behind or in front of us or whatever the case may be.

i always liked the title of this 1992 movie. can’t remember what it’s about. but i know i saw it and if i was still a netflix account holder i might dig this one out for the 90′s sake. and the sake of my fading memories. and this is where my mind travels … in my every day … i always liked when dwele sang – i want to be part of your every day endeavors …

yesterday June 25th took me to michael jackson’s resting place.  i think his spirit is finally free.  god bless him and his fam.   why am i in yesterday?  cuz today hasn’t happened for me yet.  i am thankful i woke up.  and i just want to see where the day takes me …

i love when it takes me away to an unexpected place.  like yesterday i picked up a much needed shift last night.  i ended up working a double.  when i left my house i had other plans for my evening … granted they were totally boring.  totally.  but in my mind i did have a lil vision.  but god’s vision for my day was better, best, bestest. 

i ended up working a party for atlanta mayorial candidate, kasim reed, and the place was FULL of black people!  there were HELLA brothers in SUITS and they were HONESTLY all very attractive.  a lot of them were too big and too bougie for me.  husky men.  conservative men.  the point is that when i left my house i was not expecting that i’d get all that black people energy … magnetisms and electric sockets … feeling alive around my beautiful people was worth a drink in celebration.

mmm …. then i had a beautiful conversation with a friend when i got home from staring at beautiful men.  i didn’t know i’d be hearing from that particular person that day or if they would answer the phone when i called em back.  but on june 25th they did.  and it was.  how do i explain … we were laid bare on the telephone … i didn’t even notice we were naked …  i told you … it’s hard to explain but it was definitely some good, good love in other places.  honestly it was like we were talking with no protection.  raw communication.  mmm.  and i feel clean and light in the morning. 

i woke up at 6 am this morning.  unusual for the kid especially after working a double and going to bed around 2 am.  things change.  things fall apart.  things get re-built.  thing is, i been waking early like this for weeks now … since may …  and it’s had a heavy and dark grey quality to it but, not this morning. 

i don’t speculate on what this signifies for the rest of my day.  i refuse.  i let it go.  i am peaceful now at 8 am and i am thankful for thermostat-controlled central air.  it’s just the right temperature on my forearms.  a slight coolness on my arm hairs but warmth emanating from the blanket over my legs.  i have my insect life playing on the itunes.  the color of the sunlight coming through venetian blinds is golden peachy orange.  and the palest lavendar periwinkle in other slits. 

one of my best friends bought me a gratitude diary once.  and every day you were supposed to write down what you were thankful for.  this blog is may be a gratitude diary sometimes.  i love that friend.  she is the water and the way … she has picked me up in many storms in the middle of the night.  just plucked me … right out of the thunder and rain.  today, i am thankful for her.

i’ve been meaning to talk about my sheets.  i am thankful for them.  they are so bright yellow and fresh smelling.  LOL …the funny part is i’m soooooo serious.  it’s the little things.

did you know thankfulness wards off depression.

a thankful perspective keeps your glass half full.  cuz when you are truly thankful and not cheating then you have no choice but to be glad about something.  thankfulness is not gladness but it leads you there.  the difference is in your heart.  only you know if you are truly thankful or if you’re just saying the words in your mind.  … sometimes i am thankful for what i do not have.  and really whatever comes my way … where the day takes me … even if it takes me down a garbage alley …

there is a reason.  i will smell it.  i will walk in its filth.  i will accept.  i will no longer resist.  and i will thank God for it. 

well, i’ll try my best.

i erased the post i wrote yesterday. hahahaha! if the four people who read it really liked it … i’ll email it to you and you can keep it as a personal message to you. cuz that’s all it was. i am taking it off public record. me, putting the words down, then the words gnawing at my lower intestines, then removing the words, and attempting to replace them is a perfect metaphor for the state of my brain right now. eternal sunshine of a spotless mind … i am undergoing some erasure. i am transferring data and now it’s all bungled up. i am leaking emotional toxins on to the keyboard. i am always asking for forgiveness and repenting … i am trying not to look back over my shoulder.

yesterday’s post had too many cuss words. period. i loved it … i love myself … i don’t mean words the way people read them sometimes … but i am trying to figure it out — meaning and intention … how do you change the world? how do you change the meaning of curse words by using them so much that they no longer have any sting? i think richard pryor already tried and we see how that worked out. i’m not sure that’s my particular revolution … and then i felt like yesterday got me too much on my soapbox. why am i telling you this? cuz i think changing one’s mind, acknowledging mistakes or misgivings … is an honorable thing to do. cuz i aint perfect. cuz i want to show the world JUST how confused i really am right now.

i don’t make any sense. i don’t want to. we might be in phase two. or just some kind of next level of progression – i don’t want it to be more science than it is. the rules are unraveling. i have internet and cable back. i am down to one job and a full time job search. my daughter turned 9. i am applying for public assistance. i still roll silverware. i haven’t done any painting since i don’t know when. i paused the script. i stalled on the novel. i live a short story everyday. and it usually ends with me waking up in the morning crying.

BUT … i love the Lord. all that stuff above is simply facts and stats. the heart of the artichoke is God has been with me every step of the way. i am glad to be crying so much these days i realized … cuz it’s like emotional vomit. those toxins i was telling you about. i gotta cleanse …. thoughts, ideas, feelings … that have been holding me back from myself. and GOD is GOOD to pump my heart and my head … to create the perfect balance of circumstances that will catalyze my shedding of old skin.

God is GREAT to slow down time for me … to let the moments of my life pass like grains of sand … cuz i will take this from yesterday’s post:

i’m stuck (or placed and held by the hand of God) in the current of a stream i do not control … and it’s sinking me deeper into my everyday life. one day at a time. one hour. one minute. one second. shout out to max and that great 20 seconds we had at work two weeks ago!

see, when i slow time down … i appreciate my life more. shit, i remember my life more. i’m actually in my life more. sometimes i actually find myself in the moment. and then i’m happy cuz all i have to think about is the right now.